This American Psyche

Okay so let me set the scene: yesterday, I was working from home and I had some free time. Which goes hand-in-hand with a need to entertain me, myself, and I. And another important factor: my endless fascination with the Kardashians. I mean, I’m only human and “don’t be f*cking rude” is iconic.

So anyways.

The Kardashians, if you don’t know, are big on snapchat. If you asked them, they’d probably say they, like, invented snapchat (along with wigs, big butts, and reality television). But I follow them all religiously. Kim and her beautiful kids. Khloe and her workout regimes. Kourtney and her beauty team who may or may not be her only friends. And then the youngest. Kylie Jenner. Tbh, she’s been a source of anxiety for me. Because I’m lowkey worried about her. Her snaps are so self-obsessed, it makes Kim look like Mother Theresa. I love her, I hate her, I don’t know–but I watch her stories still. And they are #goals.

So I decided to do some kardashi-acting in my free time. My goal: become Kylie Jenner. My time frame: one day. My results: lol not even close.

And yet.

*self-gratifying repost of a snap story no one even cared about in the first place because lol since when do any of the Kardashians care what people think lol*

Being a Kardashian (okay, or a Jenner) was harder than it looked. There were a lot of lessons learned, and a lot of failures just right off the bat. And I know literally no one cares because no one thinks I’m as funny as I do (being my own biggest fan is something Kylie and I have in common, probably). But I posted a story to snapchat perfectly — PERFECTLY I SAY — mimicking the great King Kylie…to no aplomb. Which would be enough to humble most, but not I. The story is not finished, people. So, by absolutely no request, these are the thoughts I had while being a Kardashian for a day.

  • I am not nearly confident enough to be doing this
  • Does Kylie ever, ever wonder “omg i am too ugly today i cannot” because that is the day I should mimic
  • I had a whole plan to do more gym selfies and pictures of me in basically underwear but turns out I do not have the social ambivalence to just flood my friends’ feeds with me in a bra. You’re welcome, world!
  • I am too white. I have no assets. How does Kylie have such assets?
  • I need 100% more assets for 100% of these shots to work
  • I am only three hours in and I have spent all three hours in front of a mirror. This cannot be healthy.
  • A selfie stick does not a personal assistant make
  • These poses are not as easy as they look. How do they contort their bodies? How do any of them get good mirror selfies?
  • My phone is already at 34%. It’s only noon.
  • Does snapchat pay the Kardashians for their overt use of filters? Because I have never filtered so much. It’s literally everything.
  • Okay I need a personal assistant
  • Literally 89% of their snaps have to be taken by someone else.
  • Went through twelve songs to settle on a part I want in the background.
  • Does Kylie think this much about what part of the song is playing? I’ve literally rewound three times
  • Starting to feel a little obsessed with myself since my reflection is literally the only company I’m keeping right now.
  • Phone officially died. It’s just after 1pm.
  • Couldn’t leave my phone at the charger so I’m just juicing periodically
  • Is there a way to set the camera to just open on selfie mode? #need
  • Picking an outfit is so hard. WWKW? Also, I’m worried about what photographs well since that is literally priority numero uno
  • lighting is hard, people
  • I need a big house with tons of natural light and also to live in california where the sun shines constantly
  • None of these selfies seem right
  • How does she get the stoned look in her eyes? Is that sex appeal? She’s a teenager. I am an adult and I do not have this
  • Holy hell this takes so much effort
  • I took twenty takes to get this voiceover right. Is that just me? Does Kylie practice what she’ll say when she shows off new merch?
  • Okay even showing off the merch took effort. And six tries.
  • They must practice this. Or be so helplessly practiced in it by now.
  • I should have painted my nails
  • Driving to an appointment and I feel very unsafe with my selfies. But also, can’t stop won’t stop
  • Do they know all the lyrics to all the songs or do they put one on with the specific intention of singing along in a filtered snapchat?
  • I had to wait for the third chorus of this song to feel confident enough to mouth along
  • Can the Kardashians sing?
  • I really don’t think my hands are meant to be photographed
  • Phone had to be recharged again. Do they just get new phones/batteries every week? Do they have multiple devices? HOW DOES THEIR BATTERY SUSTAIN THIS LIFESTYLE?
  • Literally have 100 selfies on my phone that I’ve taken in the last four hours.
  • How much storage do you think the Kardashians have? Do they put off backing things up, too?
  • I am really feeling my look right now tbh
  • Pulled over to take a selfie because it had to be done
  • Five hours into this and I’m thinking maybe it is healthy to be this self-obsessed
  • Finally not alone and someone can finally take pictures of me
  • I think you have to pay people to get them to be willing to take this many photos of you. My bf is so embarrassed. Like, for me.
  • Somehow this is less embarrassing with someone else here
  • The Jiffy Lube guy just watched me take a back shot and I feel so powerful. Like, you’re welcome, pleb.
  • Tyga is the perfect muse
  • Still trying to nail that perfect selfie. I’ve decided Kylie is just really beautiful. And also lighting. And also literal photographers. And she probably has the 7 so my phone is just absolute garbage.
  • This is literally the most unproductive day of my life. Can’t focus on anything but getting the next shot. Is this literally all they do all day? Do all things always revolve around the next photo op?
  • I’m really tired of staring at myself
  • There are only so many times I can film myself in nine-second increments just bobbing soullessly in the camera. And I think I’ve reached my limit.
  • Eight hours has gotta cut it…but does Kylie ever turn off her phone. Her story is as constant as the sun
  • But that’s it.
  • I cannot even
  • You’re welcome, world.

literally the best I could do. Sorry, Kylie

One thought on “This American Psyche

  1. I’m actually very intrigued by this mini social experiment. I’m not a fan of the Kardashian/Jenner family in the slightest but there constant online presence fascinates me slightly. Really just because I have no idea how anyone can live their life like that… Just seems so wrong


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