I’m going to start by saying I don’t actually believe you. My elementary school frenemy absolutely eviscerated me once for thinking you were real, so you can definitely blame her. She ruined everything.
But Christmas is different these days anyways. It’s a little magic mixed with a lot of nostalgia for what it once was. I’m young enough to remember all the bests–the lights, the extra presents–but I’m old enough to be bothered by all the crowds and cliches.
i.e., writing letters to Santa.
It’s not all trees and frosted cookies these days, you know? It’s constant notifications from my credit card company about my limits and payments and due dates competing with email blasts about Asos sales and seasonal deals I cannot pass up. I don’t get to just curl up by the fire and watch the lights dance on ornaments anymore. No, I have to schedule work and find flights and figure out if a tree is even a financially sound option for me. Spoiler alert: it’s not. And that’s just life. There’s no milk and cookies, just a heavy dose of reality.
But I guess I need to accept that I’m a millennial and that means I’m an entitled, self-obsessed pseudo-adult who spends all day singing MEMEME in a bad falsetto still expecting to win an award for it. But that’s not really fair, is it? I mean, you know better than anyone: most people want stuff. So can we really pigeonhole an entire generation like that? It’s not like we invented self-indulgence, you know. People have always been self-concerned. People have always wanted stuff. And people have always written letters to Santa.
Which brings me to my point.
I know it’s a little late in the season to be sending you this. And to be honest I feel pretty happy with my life. I mean, I got a bf and he put a ring on it. I got a job and that means I got money. I live in a place where it’s still 70 degrees out–and tacos year-round. So what more could I want, you ask? Let me tell you:
- I want radios to stop playing “Christmas Shoes” because it’s too much schmaltz for my morning
- I would like Kanye to feel better and be better because it’s sort of embarrassing and I can’t handle another Trump supporter in my life
- Can we maybe skip the next four years? #trump #trumpontwitter #please
- I want people in Texas to stop blasting ACs at arctic temperatures. The #1 reason to live in Texas is the good weather so I’m really over this whole outdoor shorts/indoor coats culture
- I need one more hour in the day and I don’t think that’s asking too much. Life is too short already to not eat/sleep/be merry/chill/watch Netflix/workout at my leisure
- I need a modest wedding dress that doesn’t make me want to strangle myself. Please, I know it’s a lot to ask but #miraclesnevercease
- I want my apartment complex to give up their “no dog” policy because it’s evil and unfair and dogs make everything better and maybe if everyone in the world had a dog we wouldn’t be where we are today so just think about that
- I want a dog
- I need the iPhone to get its act together because no one can make iOS 10 happen. It’s not going to happen! Tell Apple to take their confetti texts and their “push home to open” and just bury it in the “bad idea” pile along with the idea to take away the headphone jack and even the whole Siri thing. Because they’re making it really hard to be an apple person
- I want self-driving cars to be a thing already because me driving cars is not fun, just ask my bf
- Are you the person to ask to get better movies on Netflix? Because I really want to watch The Fugitive and also The Island and maybe even Jungle 2 Jungle
- I need to figure out how to combine two vudu accounts and go back in time to never sign up for flixster because why did I do that?
- I want it to snow exactly once and I want that one time to be Christmas Eve
- This is sort of off topic but I want Taco Bell to either stop sounding so damn good all the time or for Taco Bell food not to be so disappointing long-term, if you know what I mean
- I want Santa Clause the movie to be as magical as I remember it because right now I honestly just can’t even get through it and that makes nine-year-old me very sad
- Also please destroy the movie Krampus cuz it destroyed Christmas for me honestly
- Also the movie industry as a whole just really needs to step it up because I am so sick of “white men doing…” movies. I can’t handle it. Even if the white man is Chris Pratt if what he’s doing is forcing some hot thang to be his prize in space I will not. And all these biopics about how hard it is to be a white man. And white Matt Damon going to help China. And also even white Ryan Gosling singing about the magic of being a white actor. I’m white and I feel thoroughly whitewashed-out, okay?
- Maybe if we can just get female writers for female movies that would be great #Oceans8
- Can Lin-Manuel not win an oscar to become an EGOT winner this year, because egot an ego already (see what I did there?)
- I want Samantha Bee to have all the success and happiness her male counterparts have and I want her to have it now
- I would like a new Taylor Swift album asap
- Seriously though. #TS6
- And did I mention I want a dog?
So, Santa. I hope you can work with all of that. Maybe I seem greedy or maybe I seem ungrateful or maybe you think my disbelieving heart isn’t deserving of such treasures. But it’s the season of miracles and giving and all that so…you’re sort of obligated. And also I just watched Miracle on 34th Street so I know if you really want me to believe you’ll just have to prove it to me.
And it’s not much, really. I mean, it’s not like I’m asking for one of those Hatchimals™ (even though I’d take one, definitely, if you just have one lying around).
But that’s all. And no matter what, if you’re real, I wish you all the love of the season. Which is to say…if you don’t get me anything, I’ll hate you forever.